obnoxious: extremely unpleasant.

foster: denoting someone that has a specified family connection through fostering (receiving) rather than birth.

show up for: attend. show up for work

mundane: lacking interest or excitement; dull.

aliases: a false or assumed identity.

egregious: outstandingly bad; shocking.

crop out: remove part of a photograph or other image in order to produce a better picture or to fit a given space.

I crop out the bed and make it a close-up. After messing around with some filters, I summon the strength to share it with the world.

“Do you have a minute?” Standing there in the doorway, she resembles a prison guard blocking escape.

I’m down on all fours, checking under the bed.

walking a tightrope: If you walk/tread a tightrope, you have to deal with a difficult situation, especially one involving making a decision between two opposing plans of action.

making a big deal out of something: to treat (something) as very important or too important.

“You’re making a big deal out of something that isn’t a big deal.”

Buoy: signal? She’s got a buoy of good news to float on.

interrogate: ask questions of someone.

sheathed: encase (something) in a close-fitting or protective covering.

probing: physically exploring or examining.

break it in: to enter something (such as a building or computer system) without consent or by force.

gratification: pleasure, especially when gained from the satisfaction of a desire.

“You’re good to go.”: ready to leave or to start doing something.

pulls up to: (of a vehicle) come to a halt.

never bothered to: never come into mind to.

pun intended: not a joke?

tack on: to add something extra, especially something that does not seem to belong to the rest.

complimentary: expressing a compliment; praising or approving.

awe: a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder.

slick: (of skin or hair) smooth and glossy.

timidity: lack of courage or confidence.

bat away: to refuse to deal with someone or with something.

intimidating: having a frightening, overawing, or threatening effect.

In music, strumming is a way of playing a stringed instrument such as a guitar, ukulele, or mandolin. A refrain is the line or lines that are repeated in music or in poetry — the “chorus” of a song.

Paralysis is the loss of the ability to move some or all of your body.

throw a keg: a party at which the primary focus is the drinking of beer served from a keg.

clutter: a collection of things lying about in an untidy state.

pervy: (of sexual behaviour or interests) considered strange and unpleasant by most people.

covertly: without being openly acknowledged or displayed; secretly.

tuck away: to be located in a quiet place, where not many people go.

permeate: spread throughout (something); pervade.

maniac: a person who behaves in an uncontrolled way, not worrying about risks or danger.

cerebral book: books that are intellectually stimulating but do not require much specialist knowledge.

curt: rudely brief.

precarious: uncertain.

break in: familiarize someone with a new job or situation.

presumptuous: (of a person or their behaviour) failing to observe the limits of what is permitted or appropriate.

preemptively: as a measure taken against something anticipated or feared; preventively.

tactic: a specific action intended to get a particular result.

Sharp tongue but soft heart.

ultimatum: a final proposition, condition, or demand.

exhilarating: making one feel very happy, animated, or elated; thrilling.

withdrawal: A term used to describe the physical and mental symptoms that a person has when they suddenly stop or cut back the use of an addictive substance, such as opiates and opioids, nicotine products, or alcohol.

rehearsal: a practice or trial performance of a play or other work for later public performance.

rehearsal: a practice or trial performance of a play or other work for later public performance.

in the flesh: in person or (of a thing) in its actual state.

egomaniac: a person who is obsessively egotistical or self-centred.

foyer: an entrance hall or other open area in a building used by the public, especially a hotel or theatre.

sustainable: able to be maintained at a certain rate or level.

muscling the cork from a bottle.

cork: bottle cap.

play hooky: to stay away from school without permission.

ambush: make a surprise attack on (someone) from a concealed position.

sneaky: you disapprove of them because they do things secretly rather than openly.

unfold: open or spread out from a folded position. watching this scene unfold from a distance.

make a dramatic dent: to make noticeable progress in a task or to consume a noticeable amount of something of which there is a large quantity.

burden: something that is very difficult to accept, do, or deal with.

grapple with: to try to deal with or understand a difficult problem or subject.

fulfill one’s dream: do what you said or hoped you would do.

puke: vomit.

obscenely: in a sexually offensive, disgusting, or indecent manner.

relinquish: voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up.

retrieve: get or bring (something) back from somewhere.

excruciating: very embarrassing, awkward, or tedious.

get through something: to use or finish something.

I sat at their table, forced the chicken Milanese into my unhungry stomach and did my best just to get through the rest of the dinner, moment by aching moment.

paralegal: assistant of a lawyer. Paralegal duties would typically involve preparing legal documents, research, admin, providing quotes to clients, interviewing clients and witnesses, giving clients legal information, going to court and handling a caseload of clients.

mortifying: causing great embarrassment or shame.

off the hook: no longer in difficulty or trouble.

curb: restrain or keep in check. curb emotions

I don’t want to be bothered or noticed or questioned. But that’s just wishful thinking.

stake out: check out. check over. check up. feel out. give the once-over.

muster: (of a group of people) gather together. she could muster a hello

manipulative: serving or intended to control or influence others in an artful and often unfair or selfish way.

render: make. render someone speechless.

place one foot in front of the other: to do something in a deliberate, careful, and proper manner.

cinch (noun) : very easy to do.

seclusion: the state of being private and away from other people.

“Nothing? Really?” she says, a sudden edge to her voice.
I feel the ground beneath me start to wobble. “Is something wrong?”

wobble: move or cause to move unsteadily from side to side.

wallop: heavily defeat (an opponent).

come undone: to become disintegrated, to break into parts or pieces.

quirky: rather odd or unpredictable in their appearance, character, or behaviour.

idiosyncrasy: a mode of behaviour or way of thought peculiar to an individual.

endearing: if you describe someone’s behavior as endearing, you mean that it causes you to feel very fond of them.

coordinate: matching items of clothing.

She wants us to coordinate Halloween costumes.

A fedora is a hat with a soft brim and indented crown. 

ludicrous: so foolish, unreasonable, or out of place as to be amusing.

cast aside: to get rid of someone or something because you no longer want or need them.

misgivings: a feeling of doubt or apprehension about the outcome or consequences of something.

bleak: if a situation is bleak, there is little or no hope for the future.

solace: ease, relax.

alienated: (of property) transferred to the ownership of another person or group.

rededicate: to decide to give your energy, time, money, etc.

bazillion: a very large number.

Triggers are sensory reminders that cause painful memories or certain symptoms to resurface.

morsel: a small piece or amount. a morsel of pity

A message appears, and my breath catches.

Gasping for air (agonal breathing) is usually a sign that the heart is no longer circulating oxygenated blood. It’s often a brief and inadequate pattern of breathing.

cul-de-sac: blind alley.

I sink to the ground. The weight of everything, the whole world, closes in on me. There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. The ground below rumbles. Perfect timing for an earthquake. I deserve to be swallowed by the earth.

onslaught: a very powerful attack.

avalanche: a mass of snow, rock, ice, soil, and other material slides swiftly down a mountainside.

She’s turned numb to the avalanche of anger befalling her.

murky: dark and gloomy, especially due to thick mist.

Fatigue: weakness.

This is something far murkier. A mixture of fear and fatigue and despair and, yes, sadness that seems to leave her feeling absolutely nothing.

blow over: (of trouble) fade away without serious consequences.

lurch: make an abrupt, unsteady, uncontrolled movement or series of movements; stagger.

improbable: not likely to be true or to happen.

Engulfed in anguish and anxiety and unrest. It has become me.

Cynthia is in her husband’s face. “When he threatened to kill himself the first time, do you remember what you said?”

ponder: think about (something) carefully, especially before making a decision or reaching a conclusion.

colossal: extremely large or great.

No. Not anymore, this feeling in my chest, this giant mass of hurt, building and building and building. I can’t hold it in any longer, this guilt and pain and angst, climbing down my throat, strangling my gut, seizing my entire being totally and completely.The buzzing is now all-out shaking, my whole body in a kinetic frenzy.

frenzy: a temporary madness.

cower: to lower your head or body in fear, often while moving backwards.

fortitude: strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage.

tangle around: if a person or thing is tangled upin something such as wire or ropes, they are caught or trapped in it.

anew: in a new or different and typically more positive way.

torture: inflict severe pain or suffering on.

shuffle: to walk by pulling your feet slowly along the ground rather than lifting them.

rabid: (of an animal) affected with rabies.

torment: severe physical or mental suffering.

gory: something that features a lot of bloodshed and violence, like a horror movie in which victims are axed to death by a madman.

semblance: a situation or condition that is similar to what is wanted or expected, but is not exactly as hoped for.

harrowing: extremely painful.

heinous: (of a person or wrongful act, especially a crime) utterly odious or wicked.

topple over: fall over.

jittery: nervous or unable to relax.

in one piece: unharmed or undamaged, especially after a dangerous experience.

rickety: falling apart; in ruins.

lose my wind: you can’t find something or don’t know where something is.

dire: of a very poor quality.

blast up: to explode or destroy something or someone with explosives, or to break through or hit something with a similar, very strong force.

tuck: to push in the loose end of so as to hold tightly.

come up short: to not go far enough : be insufficient.

stuck with someone: to have to spend time with someone or have a relationship with them, even though you do not want to.

delicately: in a very careful or finely judged manner; gently.

whim: a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained.

swarm: a large or dense group of flying insects.

lukewarm: indifferent, showing little enthusiasm.

misinterpretation: misunderstood.

raw: (of a person’s nerves) very sensitive.

I waited. Soon, on my screen, three wiggling dots in a white thought bubble. A response forming. My nerves at attention. Anticipation. My broken soul being patched up. And then, just as suddenly, the dots left.

vow: dedicate to someone or something, especially a deity( to a god).

flip through: to look quickly through a book, magazine, website, etc. without reading everything.

livid: angry.

writhe around: to make large twisting movements with the body.

hack: cough. hack and cough.

tear into someone: criticize them very angrily and strongly.

albeit: though.

self-inflicted: caused by self. self-inflicted injury

perceive: recognize, become aware or conscious of (something); come to realize or understand.

Shingles is a painful rash that develops on one side of the face or body.

agoraphobe: a person with an extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving their own home, or of being in places from which escape is difficult.

flinch: make a quick, nervous movement as an instinctive reaction to fear, pain, or surprise.

smolder: burn slowly with smoke but no flame.

inflict: cause (something unpleasant or painful) to be suffered by someone or something.

He had bright, arresting eyes against a dark complexion (appearance, face).

Maybe someday everything will feel like a distant memory. Maybe I’ll find a way to carry around the past without it weighing me down. Maybe, one day, I can look in the mirror and see something less ugly.

spindly: long or tall and thin.

Sometimes you keep wishing for something to happen, and then, after so many times not getting the thing you wished for, you stop wishing, and that’s when it suddenly happens.

Okay, well, if you change your mind, I’m only working there for a few more months, so the window of opportunity is closing fast.

auburn: (of hair) of a reddish-brown colour.uncropped image: not trimmed or cut off short.

uncropped image: not trimmed or cut off short.

commiserate: express or feel sympathy or pity; sympathize.

mangle: destroy or severely damage by tearing or crushing.

letdown: a disappointment.

I pocket my phone and return to the view. To sit back and watch is no longer possible. It never was, it turned out.

foothold: a place where a person’s foot can be lodged to support them securely, especially while climbing.