I read the first book of the Twilight series. For a guy, picking up a romance novel like this was a fresh experience. I had heard about the movie adaptation before, as well as Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park. I liked the song, but after realizing the book was a romance, I never listened to it again.
Teenage romance dramas have always been popular among young people worldwide, whether it’s Twilight or newer hits like Love and Deepspace. The fantasy of meeting a tall, handsome, caring, and slightly temperamental boyfriend is an appealing one.
Perhaps part of the reason is that this kind of story didn’t reflect my life, I had no experience of friendship of the opposite gender. In reality, both boys and girls often looked exhausted—bare-faced, with dark circles under their eyes. There was no prim, and no weekend getaways—we lacked both the energy and the money.
Instead, we spend long hours studying for exams, pushing aside emotions to avoid distractions. Socially, we navigate cautiously, worrying about cliques and whether we might unintentionally offend someone. Publications like Lifeweek (三联生活周刊) and Parenting: CommonWealth Magazine (親子天下) or English magazines like The Atlantic or The New York Times frequently discuss how excessive academic pressure and so-called Boy Culture deprives students of a well-rounded education and personal growth. In such an environment, a romance like the one in Twilight is nearly impossible.
**Is ‘Boy Culture’ Pushing a Generation into a ‘Crisis of Connection’?
(Rewritten by Chatgpt)
This article is an original piece by Sanlian Life Weekly
In our society, ‘boy culture’ is everywhere. At its core, this culture promotes the idea that success is measured by making a lot of money, buying many toys, and doing whatever one pleases without considering the impact on others. It is also a culture that downplays the importance of friendship and even labels the desire for meaningful relationships as ‘feminine.’
Reporter: Duan Nongyu
Niobe Way, a professor of developmental psychology at New York University, has been studying adolescent social and emotional development since 1988. Her research spans multiple countries, revealing that teenagers—whether in New York or Nanjing—harbor a deep desire for close friendships. In her book Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, she describes this type of relationship as ‘deep secret friendships’—friendships that allow boys to express emotions freely and be vulnerable without fear of ridicule.
Way’s research also highlights that in cultures that idealize ‘masculinity,’ boys are taught from a young age that needing friendship is a sign of weakness and immaturity. To appear ‘mature,’ they suppress their emotions and refrain from expressing their longing for close friendships. Meanwhile, girls face a different kind of pressure: in order to be seen as ‘popular,’ they learn to suppress their emotions and even sacrifice themselves in relationships.
According to Way, ‘boy culture’ is widespread in our society, promoting the idea that success is about wealth and personal freedom rather than forming meaningful connections. Social media has further reinforced this culture by emphasizing self-promotion over deep relationships.
Way urges us to reassess the role of friendships in adolescent development. She argues that learning to build and maintain healthy relationships is the key to success in all aspects of life, including academics.
Interview with Niobe Way
Under ‘Boy Culture,’ Girls Sacrifice Themselves, While Boys Abandon Friendships
Sanlian Life Weekly: In Deep Secrets, you repeatedly emphasize that boys, like girls, desire close friendships. However, are there differences between how boys and girls experience friendship? Do they face different challenges?
Niobe Way: The biggest difference is that girls are given more space to express their emotions within friendships. Boys, on the other hand, experience far greater pressure to ‘cut off’ friendships as they grow older.
Of course, as girls mature, they too face increasing pressure to suppress their emotions. My mentor at Harvard, Carol Gilligan, along with Lynn Michael Brown, found that many girls worry that if they express their true thoughts and feelings to their friends, they might no longer be liked. As a result, they often sacrifice themselves in relationships—especially romantic ones—by suppressing their own needs and withdrawing emotionally. However, if you withdraw from a relationship, the relationship itself ceases to exist.
Boys also experience a ‘crisis of connection,’ but they handle it differently. Their mindset is: ‘If I express my emotions, other boys won’t like me.’ So, instead of sacrificing themselves, they sacrifice their friendships, choosing to abandon friends rather than risk vulnerability.
This is the essence of ‘boy culture’—a culture that frames relationships as an either-or scenario: ‘It’s either me or you.’ But truly healthy relationships should ask, ‘How can we build a connection where neither of us has to sacrifice ourselves?’
Interestingly, our research in both China and the U.S. shows that more and more girls are adopting ‘masculine’ behavioral patterns. They embrace toughness, independence, and emotional detachment because they believe acting like boys will give them more opportunities. In the U.S., this trend is especially pronounced. For example, ‘hookup culture’—which originated from the male-dominated idea that emotional connections aren’t necessary—has now been widely adopted by young women. Some young feminists even say, ‘I don’t have female friends because girls are too much trouble.’ But this way of viewing women actually reinforces male-dominated cultural norms.
Why Do Boys and Girls React Differently to the ‘Crisis of Connection’
Sanlian Life Weekly: Why do boys and girls make different choices when facing a ‘crisis of connection’?
Niobe Way: Girls withdraw from relationships because femininity is often devalued in society. Traits associated with femininity—such as emotional openness—are labeled as weak or pathetic. To avoid being seen as weak, many girls distance themselves from anything perceived as ‘too feminine.’
Boys, on the other hand, do not sacrifice their masculine identity because masculinity is placed at the top of the social hierarchy. Logical thinking, often associated with masculinity, is considered superior. But to maintain this status, boys frequently sacrifice others, ensuring they remain in a position of dominance. Ultimately, this reflects a society that prioritizes ‘masculine’ values above all else.
The Consequences of Losing Friendships in Adolescence
Sanlian Life Weekly: What are the consequences of losing friendships during adolescence?
Niobe Way: My research shows that adolescents explicitly state that without friends, they feel lonely—even suicidal.
As boys enter late adolescence (ages 15–18) and early adulthood (ages 18–25), the consequences of the ‘crisis of connection’ become severe. In the U.S., suicide rates among boys rise dramatically during this period. Additionally, many mass shootings in the U.S. are committed by young men aged 18–25. This suggests that the loss of deep friendships can have devastating consequences.
Importantly, mental health issues are a consequence of the ‘crisis of connection,’ not its cause. Addressing mental health isn’t just about therapy or medication—it’s about fostering real relationships and meaningful friendships.
Social Media: Reinforcing ‘Self’ Instead of Fostering Social Bonds
Sanlian Life Weekly: When teenagers deny their emotional needs and pretend they don’t care, how can we communicate with them effectively?
Niobe Way: People often ask me, ‘How can I get my child to open up to me?’ But if you pay attention, kids are already expressing their needs in various ways. We need to recognize that at the core, every human being craves deep, meaningful connections. We should acknowledge this need before children even voice it.
Instead of simply asking, ‘Do you have friends?’ parents should assume that their child is struggling with friendship issues and take proactive steps. They can create opportunities for their child to make friends, strengthen existing friendships, or encourage social activities. For example, if a child has a close friend at school, parents can arrange get-togethers or support shared activities—anything that helps them experience a sense of belonging and emotional support.
Sanlian Life Weekly: Speaking of curiosity, you’ve also launched the “Curiosity Listening Project.” What interventions have you implemented, and what have you discovered?
Niobe Way: The Listening Project uses a method called Transformative Interviewing. Its core goal is to break stereotypes, cultivate curiosity, and strengthen interpersonal connections.
In transformative interviewing, listening is not passive—it’s an active process of engagement. Interviewers ask open-ended questions that allow the interviewee to express themselves freely, rather than simply confirming assumptions. For example, instead of asking a closed-ended question like “Are you close with this friend?”, an interviewer might ask, “How would you describe your friendship?” “What do you like about them, and why?” “Can you share a time when you trusted them?” These questions don’t just gather information; they deepen understanding of the interviewee’s real experiences.
During training, students not only interview each other but also their teachers and family members. They design their own interview guides, asking questions they genuinely want to explore. Additionally, each student selects someone they love but want to understand better and conducts multiple interviews with them, eventually writing a short biography based on these conversations. Finally, they present their biographies in public settings, sharing what they’ve learned through their curiosity-driven transformative interviews.
This method has been introduced into doctoral interview training at NYU, where I’ve been teaching it for the past 20 years. We’ve also implemented it in several high schools in New York City. As one girl put it, “This project changed the way we interact with our classmates. Now, we’re warmer and more curious because we understand each other better.”
Sanlian Life Weekly: We’ve noticed that social media has changed how teenagers interact, even shrinking the space for real-life friendships. What’s your view?
Niobe Way: I think we really need to stop blaming social media for everything. The issue isn’t the technology itself, but rather how we design and use it.
For example, the “like” feature on social media actually harms real relationships. It shifts people’s focus from “Am I a good person?” to “How many likes can I get?” From “How many true friends do I have?” to “How many followers do I have?” From “The quality of my friendships” to “My popularity online.” In other words, many social media platforms function more as personal media—their core purpose is not to foster social connection but to amplify the self: to promote my content, showcase my image, and expand my influence, with little attention to deep human interaction.
But we can design social media that truly promotes connection—platforms that spark curiosity and help people develop meaningful relationships.
I see human connection evolving in three stages:
- Social Connection 1.0 consists of basic platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. Their primary function is to connect people, but these connections tend to be shallow, lacking real depth.
- Social Connection 2.0 introduces interactive experiences, such as question-based card games that encourage people to ask about each other. These help to foster understanding but still lack deeper inquiry.
- Social Connection 3.0—which we are actively developing for teenagers—goes further. It doesn’t just involve asking questions but continuously following up on the answers, much like the Listening Project. Real connection happens when we keep asking until we truly understand someone’s worldview.
Sanlian Life Weekly: Since 2005, you’ve been running the Chinese Families Project in Nanjing. What have you observed in China?
Niobe Way: Many might assume that growing up in China—specifically in Nanjing—is vastly different from growing up in New York. However, after tracking teenagers for nearly 20 years, we’ve found that their experiences are becoming strikingly similar.
In 2005, Chinese parents didn’t perceive much difference between raising boys and girls. But today, they do. This shift is happening because we’re all increasingly living in a globalized culture—one that is highly individualistic. Traditional Chinese culture wasn’t like this, but now, China is rapidly embracing an individual-first mindset, where everything revolves around my success, my ambition, my earning potential.
Sanlian Life Weekly: In China, academic competition is so intense that it often squeezes out space for friendships.
Niobe Way: This might be controversial, but I want to tell parents: If you want your children to not only achieve financial independence but also lead emotionally fulfilling lives, the most valuable investment isn’t in their grades—it’s in helping them build strong, supportive relationships. Because once they know how to form and maintain healthy relationships, they have the key to everything else, including academic success.
Sanlian Life Weekly: How do healthy relationships contribute to academic achievement?
Niobe Way: Let me share a psychology experiment. Social psychologists at the University of Virginia found that people’s perception of a task’s difficulty is influenced by the presence of close friends.
In this study, college students were asked to stand at the base of a steep hill, wearing heavy backpacks, and estimate how steep the hill was. Some stood next to a long-time close friend, some next to a new acquaintance, some next to a stranger, and others alone. The results showed that students who stood beside a close friend perceived the hill as significantly less steep than those who were alone or with someone they barely knew. Moreover, the longer the friendship, the less steep the hill seemed.
Another example: Many kids tell me they often get criticized for making grammar mistakes. But what surprises me most is when they add, “I only make these mistakes in front of my mom.” When we feel like someone doubts our abilities, we actually perform worse.
This shows that our cognitive abilities are deeply influenced by the people around us. If a child knows how to build strong relationships—and actually has those relationships—they will be better at solving problems, completing difficult assignments, and thinking critically.
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