Shi-Lei Wang

From Noise to Structure: Reflections on the Past Six Months

Shi-Lei-Wang

December Notes (written slightly in advance)

Books

  1. Jimmy Page: The Definitive Biography
  2. Blossoms Shanghai (Fanhua) — to be finished by the end of the month
  3. Hannibal — to be finished by the end of the month
  4. Fashion Politics (French; read with AI translation, no notes) — to be finished by the end of the month

TV Series and Films

  1. Modern Family, Season 1
  2. Stranger Things, Season 5 (counting it as part of December)
  3. Your Lie in April
  4. Return to Dust

I also prepared updates for my LinkedIn profile. Looking back, I finally feel that the experiences and skills accumulated over these years can now be woven into a coherent network.

This December, I was sick—almost exactly like last year—and spent nearly half a month away from the study room. My U.S. History reading and the second finance textbook were effectively paused. In addition, because I anticipated market volatility toward the end of the year, I deliberately pulled my attention away from intensive financial study and daily market news.

In practice, this month involved a great deal of personal reflection and clarification of direction for the coming year.

Notes on the Second Half of the Year (Key Highlights Only)

July

This month marked several “firsts.”

  1. I subscribed to ChatGPT and compared multiple AI reading tools. In the end, I chose GPT. I gave up the idea of learning English mainly through reading foreign news on my own. Instead, with GPT’s assistance, I read eight issues of The Economist within thirteen days (January–March and July 26 editions). The goal was not language training but understanding current events, while organizing notes and vocabulary lists. I realized clearly that I lacked the financial background to fully grasp monetary and policy sections. The stock market surged, but I was uneasy about whether it was approaching a peak. I also read a substantial number of The Atlantic articles.
  2. I felt nostalgic and emotionally low, spent a lot of time in an “emo” state, stayed up late, and stopped going to the gym.
  3. My physical activity was strong: over 200 km of cycling in the month, plus jump rope, push-ups, and grip training.
  4. I met an old friend. I originally planned to buy Xiaomi AI glasses but ended up disappointed and didn’t. I also planned a trip to Chongqing, bought two books on vernacular architecture and traditional dwellings, but did not go.
  5. I organized my saved content on TikTok, and Instagram, and effectively paused blog updates in the short term.

August

  1. Films and animation: Dead to Rights, K-Pop Demon Hunters, a documentary titled Europe in 2025, and Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End.
  2. GPT became a daily tool. I read a large volume of financial news and analysis every day, though without focusing on any specific books.
  3. My cycling distance reached 230 km for the month.
  4. I updated my 2025 New Yorker playlist and listened to it while cycling. My weight dropped to an ideal range.
  5. I began expanding my network on Xiaohongshu, mainly connecting with anime lovers and movie fandoms.
  6. I felt genuinely grateful for the friends I had in August. I also realized that some of my earlier emotional distress came from misunderstandings—such as taking phrases like “I’ve been crying all along” literally rather than as internet slang. The emotional turbulence of July faded.
  7. (I may not have recorded this before.) I assisted a friend in a community hospital, and decided and was paid to do braces.

September

  1. I traveled and met an anime fandom friend. We had a great time—buying blind boxes, visiting merchandise stores. I also met a local e-commerce owner and spent time together in shopping malls and jewelry stores. This later became an unexpected foundation for reading Glossy, the biography of the beauty brand Glossier. I also imagined what life might have looked like if I hadn’t resigned and had instead moved to another industrial city.
  2. I finished The Silence of the Lambs and watched the film. The Mads Mikkelsen version of Hannibal felt like a reinterpretation that I couldn’t fully get into.
  3. I got braces.
  4. I spent a great deal of time following U.S. politics, including figures like Charlie Kirk. I tried to understand how people my age—and younger American users—interpret their society. I found an excellent study room and began updating TikTok with daily check-in content.
  5. Structured exercise dropped off, but I aimed to keep daily steps above 15,000.
  6. I rethought social connections. I briefly tried the dating app, found it dull, and deleted it. I continued casually browsing Xiaohongshu and maintaining streaks on TikTok.

October

  1. I traveled with my parents and younger brother, did medical checkups, and, for the first time, heard my parents say that I had “handled major things.” I bought my father several good outfits, which made him genuinely happy.
  2. From mid-October onward, I returned to the study room. I completed notes for Financial Markets and Institutions (7th edition).
  3. I cycled 10 km daily. I finished September’s Economist issues and established a regular habit of reading The Wall Street Journal in English.
  4. I finished Keigo Higashino’s The Murder in Mansion Hakuba.

November

November flowed directly into December.

  1. Progress in Money Bank and Financial Institutions and reached about 200 pages out of 600.
  2. I worked on AP U.S. Government. I read most of Barron’s materials and understood the general scope of the subject, but realized I needed more detail. I paused the government textbook and switched to a U.S. history textbook instead. Social, economic, and cultural sections were manageable, but elections, Congress, parties, and presidential positions required extensive note-taking. By late November, I had reached the pre–Civil War period.
  3. I read over 100 pages of Blossoms Shanghai.
  4. I finished the AI-translated biography of Glossier, Glossy.
  5. I reached the halfway point of the Jimmy Page biography.
  6. I watched Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba Infinity Castle but didn’t fully get the story (I never watched Demon Slayer before), and the early episodes of Stranger Things Season 5—both lived up to expectations.
  7. Light gaming: My Leisure Time and Minecraft, where I built a large hot-air balloon.
  8. Exercise returned in the latter half of the month: daily grip training, arm bars, push-ups, and resistance bands.
  9. I read a large amount of The Wall Street Journal and skipped The Economist this month. My fund portfolio on Alipay fell by about 2%, but the key realization was that my decisions were genuinely informed by reading and analysis, not panic or fear of missing out.

Writing plans for next year is difficult.

This year was filled with countless life questions, many of which cannot be written down in a diary. Sincerity does not mean exposing everything. Being honest does not require laying one’s underwear on the table.

Any seemingly small decision can involve days, even months, of quiet deliberation—whether it is moving to Shenzhen or getting braces. One of my core principles is that I do not allow myself “freedom downward.” I only allow myself to become better, not greasier, not more cynical.

This year was the first year in my life that I dared to spend money.

Before that, either I was unemployed during lockdowns and struggling to pay rent, or my family was urging me to return home while I stubbornly stayed outside to study, trying to live the life I wanted. When I posted food on social media, what I ate were seven- or eight-yuan dishes I cooked myself, or one-yuan noodles mixed with sauce. I read endlessly, stood on street corners staring blankly into space, and during holidays watched couples holding hands, feeling an acute sense of desolation. The hardships international students write about on Xiaohongshu—I went through almost all of them, except that everyone around me spoke the same language I did.

I do not think I have any personal charm. That is why I feel deeply grateful to the few teachers I met offline this year (all women). Perhaps it is because of my past eccentricity, or simply accumulated pressure. When I see an art-training teacher paint a graffiti piece streaked with blood, shouting “you should all die,” I still feel a faint resonance. That reaction belongs to a very old part of my memory. I have spent many years trying to distance myself from it.

Art school could have led to formal credentials. What I have studied so far, however, does not directly generate money. No matter how deeply I study, no matter how much effort I put in, it remains “idiosyncratic”—and idiosyncrasy does not come with friends.

I often imagine alternative versions of my life:
If I had not lived in a boarding school starting in middle school, would I have had friends?
If I had stayed at my high school, would I have happier memories?
If in university I had not deliberately read all those books, but instead joined clubs or worked summer jobs, would I have enjoyed those years more?

Without these experiences, it is hard for me to imagine how other people grew up. A large portion of my good memories seem to exist only on screens.

While reading Jimmy Page’s biography, I asked ChatGPT many questions about drugs, alcohol, and sex. Much of that content is not suitable for public sharing. Only when I express certain naked, unfiltered questions—without any social polishing—can the answers be accurate. Conversations like that are extremely rare between human beings.

During the period when I was expanding my social circle, I inevitably heard about classifications like “landmine types,” “purple dining types,” and even discussions around so-called “pure green” topics that people mention only when trust is established. When I open Douyin now, it is no longer influencers I see, but vast numbers of university students staring at their screens in dorm rooms, waiting to clock in at exhibition halls. I cannot be entirely indifferent to this, nor can I think about it purely from a social or employment perspective.

Some thoughts and imaginings—such as whether I should get a girlfriend—end quickly after the conclusion that it would be “too much trouble.” It feels as though I have fully adapted to my independent rhythm of living. The idea that spending too much money would force me to work earlier or take temporary jobs feels like a disaster.

I do not want to be seen as a man, and I do not want to be seen as a woman.
I am someone standing in Minecraft, watching a small figure on the opposite hillside.

I am trying to replace certain negative things with new ones—to heal them gradually. But I am not yet sure how I would feel if someone genuinely told me that I am important to them. Many of my life plans are built on the mindset of “what if I suddenly disappear one day.” At fifteen or sixteen, that kind of thinking is acceptable. At thirty, it may be a serious problem—although in places like Japan or the United States, conversations about life, health, and death education are not uncommon.

Another way to put it is this: if I had only three days left to live, what would I want to do? When I look back, I can see that I am indeed striving to become the person I hope to be—but I have to work extremely hard to do so. That identity does not resemble a stable employee, nor does it look like someone well-suited for romantic relationships.

When facing younger people, I do not want to appear old or stale. But in front of peers or older adults, I must present myself as professionally capable and reliable. These are two completely different directions. When I was getting braces, when I was thinking about insurance, I had to confront this directly. I cannot think in terms of “I might not live long enough to use insurance,” yet I must adopt a mindset in which I work extremely hard, maintain financial capacity, and succeed.

As for financial capacity, the moment I truly began to feel the importance of money was last winter, when I had more cash on hand and felt free to operate funds. Now, after spending tens of thousands, I am afraid of even slightly higher-risk moves. I suddenly feel that I need more money sitting in my account—or else I will live a life where large numbers move in and out on my phone, while my daily spending becomes increasingly frugal.

This year, I paid close attention to AI and robotics. From robots twirling handkerchiefs at the beginning of the year to robots doing flips at concerts, from AI helping me accomplish things I previously could not—such as studying finance—to an industry undergoing drastic upheaval. Some authorities now warn of an AI bubble; others argue that within five to ten years, AI and robots will be everywhere, and that humans may no longer need to work at all.

I cannot imagine clearly what I will do next year. But I know a few things:

  1. I will complete those finance textbooks, as well as the U.S. history and U.S. government textbooks.
  2. I may stop watching TV series and stop spending large amounts of time reading magazines.
  3. I should make up for my lack of engagement with Chinese cultural production. For years, my focus has been almost entirely on Japan and the United States. A decade or more of domestic works—The Longest Day in Chang’an, Masters in the Forbidden City—I know almost nothing about. When playing Code: Kite, I understand the mechanics and enjoy the art style, but my grasp of the text is far from sufficient. I tried buying novels during the day, then suddenly thought about purchasing traditional-character editions, only to realize that most people never have to consider this at all.
  4. I will definitely take and complete the IELTS exam. At the time, I was confused and unsure what I would even say in conversation. I disliked formulaic speaking templates and relied instead on reading novels and magazines, which is why I kept postponing the test.
  5. I may develop entirely different ideas—suddenly deciding to get a driver’s license, attend a concert, or buy a robotics development kit. That will depend on the kind of people I happen to meet.

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